In my last posting I discussed the tactic of role-reversal being used to deter parents and advocates. Today I want to chat about two other strategies you may encounter: Refusal and Rigidity.
Here are some common examples of Refusal and Rigidity at work:
Professional (from school, agency, organization, etc.)says to parent or advocate…
- No, I’m sorry, that’s not … policy, regulation, allowed, how it works or how we do things
- If we do it for you then we’d have to do it for everybody
- We have to follow… process, policy, recommendations
Sound familiar? If not, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you may hear something similar at one point or another while advocating for your child. Using refusal and rigidity is simple: Say no, and refuse to change your position.
I’m amazed at how many people hide behind policy, regulations or rules. Insistent they are helpless to do anything because, well, things are the way they are, and that’s how they shall stay.
Excuse me, but I believe rules, regulations, policy and procedure can be changed. As a matter of fact, they are always changing, so how is it they cannot be changed when it is in the best of interest of your child?
First of all, you may be the only one to believe your request is in the best interest of your child. You also may stand alone and be the only voice advocating for change (this is where the tactic of isolation comes in – my next posting, so be sure to check back!).
So, what to do?
I guess it depends on your personality… In your own natural language, try to say: “I understand that XYZ is not possible because of the current rule, however, we can move that past that by amending this rule… who makes this decision… what is there contact information…how about we do this in the mean-time…”
There is a procedure to change procedure (confusion: the 4th and final tactic I’ll be discussing ). Depending upon the entity, circumstances and relief sought, you will have to fearlessly and tirelessly investigate the steps to make actual change applicable to your situation.
Before diving head-first into activism, I always recommend trying another strategy first: educate, empower and ask. I can’t say it works every time or in every situation, but you have nothing to lose unless litigation is pending (in that case be sure to consult your attorney before doing anything).
However, I have had great success by talking to everyone involved one to one, pulling everyone together and reminding them we are on the same team with the same goals, by asking “what can we do to make XYZ happen?”(even though I already know the answer if I’ve done my prep. work). Sometimes all it takes is pulling everyone together, laying out the situation without drama, and empowering everyone to give suggestions (“Jane, you’re a wonderful case manager who is very creative – what suggestions do you have?”).
Word of caution: you need to have all the answers, a list of possibilities for negotiation purposes, and know your bottom line (I call it: The Hill I am Willing to Die On).
If, as I mentioned earlier, you stand alone in your position, you will not receive support in any manner from anyone. If you have specific questions and know the answers, can give suggestions, have the ability and ideas to negotiate, it makes it more difficult to refute your request or slow your progress.
Again, my suggestions do not work all the time or in every situation, and I don’t want to give that impression. Instead, I want to give you some idea of the dynamics that may be used against you while advocating. (there is another argument here; these strategies can also be employed by parents and advocates, but that’s a different discussion!).
Refusal and rigidity – remember this the next time you are told no, a rule is referenced or the status-quo is adhered to without discussion. Then remind yourself change is always possible, and you are more then capable of being the one to start the process.
Have an example or story that demonstrates this strategy? Please share it below in addition to your comments, thoughts and ideas.
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